


Before We Ever (I Never Knew...)

by Faillen



Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Civil War (Marvel), Fluff, Fusion, M/M, media
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-20
Updated: 2015-05-20
Packaged: 2018-03-31 06:08:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3967309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faillen/pseuds/Faillen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Better late than never.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>They knew the SHRA was coming. They knew that they would be on opposing sides.</p><p>It was the reason that they took that one night for themselves, ran off and came back the next afternoon.</p><p>But sometimes the very things you clung to in the times before are the things that make you lose your grip in the times after.</p><p>They knew that too. But they still did it.</p><p>It destroyed them.</p><hr/><p>Main title and chapter titles are based on the song Before I Ever Met You by Banks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ...that my heart could love so hard

**Author's Note:**

> Note that this is a fusion, therefore it does not completely follow comic or movie canon. It is, in general, an AU of the Civil War arc of the comics that is more rooted (but still very loosely) in the MCU. (It's basically a romanticized version of the Civil War)
> 
> See the end notes for more info and the warning for the canonical character death. It's not graphic, just implied.
> 
> Inspired by these various pieces: First part inspired by [this](http://marvelobsessions.tumblr.com/post/115805900023/it-was-a-quick-thoughtless-decision-that-steve) post, the original Civil War comics, Before I Ever Met You by [Banks](https://soundcloud.com/banksbanksbanks), and so much more that just pushed me along in little ways when it came to this story.
> 
> And of course, huge shout out to my amazing beta, [curiousbees](http://curiousbees.tumblr.com)! I couldn't have done this without you :)

Maybe the world didn't deserve them.

Maybe the world didn't deserve Steve Rogers _and_ Tony Stark at its side.

Maybe the world just deserved Steve Rogers _or_ Tony Stark.

Maybe that's why this was all happening.

Maybe—

"I can _hear_ you thinking." Tony grumbled from the seat next to Steve. He gave a little shove at the blonde’s arm and smiled wryly. "Stop it."

Steve scoffed, "Says the man who is widely known to never stop thinking."

Tony clasped his chest dramatically. "Oh Steve, how could you be so cruel? 

Steve just shot a fond smile at the billionaire's antics and turned back to the road, continuing to mull over his thoughts. Tony rolled his eyes but didn't say anything, instead curling up in his seat.

When Tony had come home pale-faced yesterday with news that the SHRA had been drafted and would be passed the minute public support turned in its favor, they had both known that whatever relationship they had would be torn apart sometime in the near future.

They had no illusions about the sides that they would both take. No delusions that the other would perhaps come to their side. They were strong-minded people, and they would fight for their side.

Steve had kissed him anyway. And Tony had gasped in surprise, but still clutched onto him like a lifeline.

And when Tony broke the kiss, alarmed and questioning, holding Steve at arms length, Steve had simply nodded and taken his hand.

Tony had smiled, cynical and jaded, at their clasped palms, but his eyes had been soft when he looked up.

"Let's go for a drive then Steve."

It was ridiculous, and irresponsible, and crazy.

It wasn't going to last. They both knew that. It would be impossible for it to last.

But Steve had smiled and squeezed Tony's hand, before dragging him down to the garage.

"We could've done this sooner." Tony had said to him, standing in front of the cars.

Steve had looked over at him, "Better late than never."

Because just one night was better than having none at all.

One night where it would just be Steve and Tony. Not Steve Rogers and Tony Stark. Not Captain America and Iron Man. One night where it would just be them, in what would probably be a crappy hotel room.

One night where they wouldn't have to worry about the roles the world needed them to play.

"Turn here." Tony said, tapping Steve. He turned the wheel and took the exit smoothly.

One night.

If the world would just let him have this one night, it would be all he'd need.

* * *

They stumbled into the hotel room, desperation coloring their kisses and movements.

They were pressed impossibly close to each other, locked together with a kind of urgency that Tony had never felt with anyone else.

He wondered if this was what post-battle kisses might've been like, if they'd talked to each other sooner... if things had been different.

He pushed the thoughts away.

He wouldn’t linger on the “could’ve been”. Not for this.

_Better late than never._

Steve’s hands were everywhere, on the sides of his face, his lower back, his waist, and Tony laughed, breathless, as Steve grasped the back of his thighs and carried Tony towards the bed. 

“Show off.”

And Steve just smiled that little smile of his, blush making its way down his neck as he lowered them down onto the mattress and Tony couldn’t help but smile back softly, because it was _Steve_ and he was looking at Tony like he was something precious and Tony knew that his eyes mirrored the sentiment as well.

Tangling his hands in the blonde's hair he brought their lips together once more. Their kisses morphed into something sweeter, more languid, until Tony sucked Steve’s bottom lip into his mouth, watching as the super soldier’s blue eyes darkened. Once Tony let it go, Steve sat up and pulled his shirt off with a quick movement and grasping the end of Tony’s shirt as well, yanking it off before leaning down to kiss Tony hard.

“Jeez, your mouth.” Steve muttered as he scraped his teeth over Tony's top lip before leaning down to attack his chest with nips and sucks, leaving red marks that were sure to stay for days. Tony's back arched underneath him, and a litany of gasps and swears spilling out of his mouth as he scratched his nails down Steve's back.

"Steve— _holy shit_!" Tony shouted when Steve latched onto a particularly sensitive spot.

He tugged Steve back up to meet his mouth and before he pushed on the blonde’s shoulders. Steve allowed himself to be flipped and Tony pressed down over him with a breathless grin. He made his way down Steve's chest, nipping collarbones and running nails over smooth abdominal muscles before stopping at the edge of his jeans. He looked up at Steve mischievously.

"You did say you loved my mouth." Tony smirked and Steve could only close his eyes and groan at the sight.

* * *

Tony lay in his arms, warm and still asleep. He was curled against Steve, face buried in the hollow of his throat and Steve could feel light puffs of breath, warm against his neck. Their legs were intertwined underneath the covers and Steve couldn't bring himself to move. 

In the early morning light, everything seemed perfect. Easy.

His hand was thrown over Tony’s hip, rubbing light circles on the bare skin. He pressed his lips to the mop of tangled hair and inhaled the faint smell of metal and grease and something uniquely Tony that he couldn’t put a name to.

He wanted to keep this forever. He wanted to live in this moment, Tony in his arms, sweet memories of the night before drifting in and out of his mind. It was unfair, unfair that he couldn't keep this and Steve wished, Steve just wished…

Tony stirred against him, breaking through his thoughts. Realizing that he’d stiffened while thinking to himself, he relaxed and watched as Tony slowly moved his face from where it had been buried, eyelashes fluttering.

“G’morning.” Steve whispered. Tony groaned.

“Shaddup.” He muttered, curling further into Steve's chest.

And then, more hesitantly, "Let's stay like this for a while."

"Okay." Steve replied easily and wondered how on earth he had ever thought one night would be enough.

* * *

When Tony finally snuffled himself to full consciousness, Steve sat on the bed next to him, looking through his phone for alarmed texts that Tony knew JARVIS had probably already taken care of with a few vague excuses. 

"Hi." Tony whispered.

"Hi." Steve smiled softly down at him, blond hair falling over his eyes. He leaned down to kiss Tony's nose, causing him to scrunch it up. “We should probably get breakfast in a bit."

Tony's smile flickered, but he nodded, ducking his head before getting out of the bed. Breakfast would mean that they’d be leaving soon.

Tony didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay here, in this crappy hotel room with Steve.

But he knew that even though he felt this way at the moment, in reality, they would both probably go crazy if they actually did stay like this. Feel crushed by the sheer amount of obligation they felt to the world.

There was no point in wishing if it wasn’t actually plausible.

Running a hand through his hair, Tony stretched, unconcerned by his lack of clothing. Feeling Steve's gaze on him, he playfully smirked back at Steve over his shoulder, "I'm going to see how atrocious the shower here is. Join me?" 

Steve’s ears turned red at the invitation, but he grinned and grabbed Tony's wrist in response, sharply tugging him down instead. Tony yelped in surprise as miles of naked super soldier pressed him into the bed.

There was a moment where they just looked at each other, but it was broken when Steve brushed his hand down Tony's side. The tickling sensation caused Tony to laugh and try to squirm away, and within a few minutes, they found themselves jabbing at each other, which soon turned into playful kisses that became filthy very, very quickly.

Tony made an executive decision and decided that the shower could wait for a while longer.

But before losing himself in Steve’s smile and eyes and lips for good, Tony mused to himself.

Even if it wasn’t plausible…even if there was no point. 

He would probably never stop wishing.

* * *

Steve watched as Tony downed yet another cup of coffee with an amused grin before continuing to scarf down the vast array of food he had in front of him.

Tony snorted lightly, before trying to grab a piece of bacon from Steve’s plate. Steve swatted the thieving hand away, and Tony laughed.

“Who would’ve thought _Captain America_ didn’t share his food with the poor starving? I’m appalled, Captain. Truly appalled. Lady Liberty is shedding scandalized tears.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “You were the one who only ordered a coffee, Shellhead. If you’re so hungry, get your own food.”

“Mmm,” Tony made a non-committal noise, sipping at his coffee. A beat passed in silence before his hand darted out, quick as a cat, snatching the coveted piece of bacon. He nibbled at his prize, grinning cheekily at Steve.

“I let you get that.” Steve grumbled when Tony looked at him with a smug and triumphant smile on his face.

“Whatever you say, Cap.” He happily shoved the last of the bacon into his mouth with a complete lack of the finesse that would have been expected from someone at his level.

Unless, Steve thought, you were one of the few people who knew that Tony Stark was, in fact, an overgrown child.

He could safely say that he was happy to be one of the few.

* * *

The drive back was quiet.

Well, not exactly. They spoke, but they spoke about teammates, inventions and schedules.

They were quiet about the future, didn’t talk about the fact that whatever they had shared for the past 48 hours would no longer exist in less than 24. They didn’t voice their thoughts about wanting more, about feeling like they didn’t have enough.

They didn’t talk about the fact that the minute they got home, it would be back to being Steve Rogers and Tony Stark. Captain America and Ironman. Best friends and nothing more.

The irony of it was maddening. Tony thought to himself that, despite the fact that he and Steve had always been the kind of people who created new paths if they weren't satisfied with the one they were on, there _weren't_ any new paths they could create when it came to this.

For this, they had to follow the path that they were on, no matter how unsatisfied they were with it.

When they finally arrived back at the Tower, Tony grabbed Steve’s hand and pulled him into a kiss over the center console, reveling in the warmth and the softness, trying to commit it to memory. Trying to commit _Steve_ to memory, the Steve that he’d gotten to know during the past 48 hours.

The Steve who had kissed him, had held him. The Steve that had loved him, not as a friend but as a lover.

The Steve who was now pulling away from him, cradling Tony's cheek as he looked at him, kissing him softly one time more before letting go. Tony looked at him and Steve smiled reluctantly, eyes filled with something that Tony had seen a lot in the past few hours. Tony smiled back, just as reluctantly. This was it.

“C’mon, let’s go Shellhead.” And with that, they were just best friends again. Nothing more, nothing less.

“Yep.” Tony replied, devoid of emotion, and they got out of the car.

They stood in the elevator, distanced from each other, greeting JARVIS and allowing him to inform everyone else of their arrival. The minute they got to the communal floor, the rest of their teammates ambushed them with questions. Tony gave a few vague answers, patted backs, and laughed at the appropriate times before escaping to his workshop with a tight smile and the excuse that he'd missed a lot of inventing time.

He ended up spending the night there.

Later, when he’d finally surfaced and was dragged into participating in team movie night, Tony couldn’t help but think that Steve might have been wrong.

Maybe _Steve and Tony_ was something that would’ve been better as a ‘never’.

Steve knew that the SHRA was coming. Knew that there would definitely be conflict.

But Tony...

Tony knew more than that.

Tony had already run calculations of how bad it could get. He _knew_ , that he and Steve wouldn't walk away together from whatever mess the SHRA would bring. 

He had known it would destroy him, even before the past two days had even happened. 

But now?

Now it would tear him apart.

He wasn't sure if he'd be able to stitch the pieces back together.

Wasn't sure if he'd even _want_ to.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, constructive criticism is very welcome :)


	2. That you and I don't work out

**_ CNN—Breaking News—Deadly Explosion in Stamford, Connecticut _ ** **_  
_ **

**Don Lemon:** _Hello, I'm Don Lemon and this is your breaking news. Less than thirty minutes ago, a huge explosion occurred in the suburb of Stamford, Connecticut. The casualty count is still unconfirmed, as the explosion occurred right next to a bus of children. Emergency responders have quickly taken action at the site of the tragedy.  Lets turn over to CNN Correspondent Jean Casarez, who is in Stamford right now._  
  
**Jean Casarez:** _Thank you, Don. As you can see, behind me is the scene of the explosion. Police suspect that it was caused by one of the newer super_ _villains that have popped up, Nitro. The casualty count is high, and there have already been six reported deaths of inexperienced superheroes that were trying to diffuse the situation._  
  
**Don Lemon:** _Superheroes you say?  Shouldn't they have been able to stop it?_  
  
**Jean Casarez:** _Like I said, they were inexperienced. According to witnesses, the superheroes came chasing Nitro. However, their powers were ineffective in neutralizing the super villain, resulting in the wreckage and loss you see behind me. An entire school bus, full of children, was caught in the crossfire, resulting in numerous deaths as well, though we are not yet sure how many. That's all the information we have for now._  
  
**Don Lemon:** _Thanks you Jean. CNN will continue to have updates on the situation in Stamford. We will now return to your scheduled programming._  

* * *

 

**_ Huffington Post—Protestor: “We Need Accountability” _ **

**_By Igor Bobic_ **

_Protests have been occurring both in **Stamford** and **DC** , calling for the Superhero Registration Act, or **SHRA** to be passed and put into effect._

_It seems like the general consensus of citizens believe that superheroes need to be watched and held accountable for our own safety, something that has been a huge issue in the wake of the **Stamford tragedy**. When a protester (who asked to not be named) was asked why they believed the SHRA should be passed, either in relation to Stamford or in general, they replied:_

_“Because the real question is, who is responsible for this destruction? Who are we going to hold accountable and how? That’s why we need the SHRA. Superheroes can’t just fail and destroy and not be held responsible for their failings. They say they’re here to protect us, but what’s the point if the aren’t able to carry that out? We need accountability, and we need order.”_  

* * *

**_ The Daily Bugle—FUGITIVE: Captain America On The Run _ **

**_Also: Iron Man: “I support the SHRA and will do what I have to in order to see it through”_ **

_With SHRA on the House floor it seems like **Captain America** , savior of our country has decided to flee underground in opposition to the Act. **Iron Man** on the other hand has announced his support of the bill, stating, “I understand why this bill is necessary and support what it’s trying to do. Superheroes need to be held accountable; it's something that’s not happening right now. This bill will make sure that it happens.” Will this be another battle for the ages between these two heroes? Flip to **Pg. 2** for why we think so._

* * *

**_ MSNBC—Spider-Man Unmasked _ **

_At a press conference this afternoon, the identity of Spider-Man was revealed to be Daily Bugle photographer **Peter Parker.** Click **here** to watch the video of his reveal, apparently suggested by **Tony Stark**._

* * *

**_ CNN—SHRA on the Senate Floor _ **

**Anderson Cooper:** _Hello, I am Anderson Cooper. As we’ve seen these past few months, the battle for SHRA has been reaching an all-time high. With Captain America underground, Tony Stark backing it and the bill finally on the Senate floor, tensions have reached a peak today. Let’s turn to Dana Bash, our Capitol Hill correspondent, for more details on the state of the politicians, the supporters and the opposition._

 **Dana Bash:** _Thank you, Anderson. I am here in front of the Capitol building where protesters are gathered. The SHRA has made its way to the Senate floor. The people here are not celebrating however, for one simple reason. Despite the fact that the bill is almost certain to pass, the next issue is enforcing it. With Captain America as a fugitive along with many other superheroes in opposition to the act, the only way the SHRA is truly going to be successful is if supporters like Tony Stark are able to persuade or capture those fugitives._

 **Anderson Cooper:** _Thank you, Dana. It seems like only time will tell if the SHRA is going to be successful or not. We will continue to have updates on the progress with SHRA but now we'll be turning to international news…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, constructive criticism is very welcome :)


	3. ...I would be enemies with disregard

"Arrogant jackass." The shout echoed in the room, punctuated by a hit to the punching bag. 

The bag flew across the room, spewing sand all over the floor.

He unwrapped blood-specked tape from his knuckles and whipped it to the ground, breathing hard. 

"Why are _you_ not able to _see_ the wrongness of all of this?"

* * *

 "Why could _you_ not have just _listened_ instead of attacking? _"_

An empty glass shattered against the wall.

He fell to his knees, throwing the full, unopened bottle to the ground beside himself and breaking it.

"Self righteous asshole." The whisper was barely audible as amber liquid spread across the floor.

* * *

No matter what Steve did in the darkness of the night and the emptiness of his bed, his mind always wandered to the same place.

The second round that night so long ago had been bittersweet.

Once their desperation had been satisfied, after the need to touch and feel as quickly as possible had dissipated, Steve had cradled Tony in his arms, their chests pressed against each other. With their foreheads resting against the other's, each firm but slow thrust had been punctuated by an even slower kiss.

At some point, their kisses became salty. At some point, Steve's vision went blurry with tears.

After, they had lain next to each other, and Steve had reached out and rubbed his thumb over Tony's tear streaked cheek. Both of their eyes were red rimmed, and Tony had captured Steve's hand with his own, and he’d pressed a kiss to the center of it, eyes closed, his lashes dark against his cheeks. Steve had closed his eyes as well and had taken a shuddering breath, before pulling Tony close, and pressing their lips together.

They'd fallen asleep like that.

In those moments, there had been, beyond anything, beyond sadness and dread, an aching, all consuming kind of love. The kind of love that was written about in books, sung about in music and captured in films.

The kind of love that should’ve had a happy ending.

And like most nights, tonight, Steve lay in bed, and wondered what had happened to theirs.

* * *

Tony threw himself into working.

He didn't want to think of anything beyond formulas and ideas and plans of action.

He was scared to stop. Scared that if he did, he'd get swallowed up by thoughts of the past. Scared that the rickety support structure he'd built on the beliefs that 'this is right' that 'this is worth it' would splinter and break if he let himself wonder about what had come before.

...Whom was he kidding?

It had already splintered and broken. He was floating on a pile of useless barriers that broke apart every passing day. The only thing that was keeping him afloat was... was...

He threw himself into numbers and formulas because numbers and formulas left no space in his mind for wandering. No space for futile wondering that would undoubtedly lead to his self-destruction.

But sometimes, Tony would stand in the bathroom and run his fingers over the places where there had once been red marks.

He'd press down on those places and wonder if maybe he'd already destroyed himself.

* * *

This was going to be it. This was going to be the last fight.

Steve could feel it in his bones as he suited up and barked orders.

He could feel it, but he wasn't sure how he felt about it.

* * *

It was a surprise attack.

Needless to say, Tony was sufficiently surprised.

He looked out over the battlefield, looking for Steve in the fray.

Tony hated surprises.

* * *

"What're you waiting for Steve? Finish it."

The words were resigned, as it were expected that this would happen. As if he just wanted it to all be over.

He sounded like a man who had no fight left in him.

Steve faltered, shield raised as he looked down at Tony Stark.  

Tony, the man who was his best friend. Tony, the man he (had?) loved. Tony, the man who had always stood by him for most everything.

Everything except in this...

Steve looked down and saw Tony Stark. Not Ironman. Not pro-SHRA.

Just...

He looked down at Tony and let himself be pushed back. Let himself be dragged away.

He could hear the protests. Heard himself answer, though for the life of him, he couldn't remember exactly what.

He pulled off his cowl, looked at the white 'A' emblazoned on it. "They're not arresting Captain America."

He dropped it to the ground, and held out his wrists.

"They're arresting Steve Rogers."

* * *

It was an odd experience, Tony thought, to be going to see the one person that was everything to you in prison. Especially if you’d had a hand in their imprisonment.  It didn’t feel right.

But then again, a lot of things hadn’t felt right in a while.

He walked through the hallways in the suit, the boots echoing on the ground and paused in front of the door.

Steve was on the other side.

He pushed the door open.

* * *

Steve had _almost_ been surprised by the amount of anger that had shot through him when Tony had walked in, faceplate down.

He definitely _wasn't_ surprised however, when Tony had met his enraged questions with a simple, "Well you're a sore loser Captain America." before walking out.

He hadn't expected to get answers to his questions. When it came to Tony, answers were never in what he said… they were in what he did. And the fact that the faceplate was down, the fact that Tony had walked out almost immediately after his parting shot said a lot.

A lot that Steve wasn’t really sure what to make of. A lot that he definitely didn’t want to think about.

Tony left him alone after that one visit.

* * *

Tony looked down at the glass of scotch he'd poured.

_Was it worth it?_

The words echoed in his head.

He picked up the glass and swirled the amber liquid before pouring it down the drain.

He wasn't sure he had an answer.

* * *

The guards led him through the halls and Steve looked down at his cuffed wrists. They were reinforced. Stark-made.

He wondered if Tony was happy about his surrender. Relieved perhaps.

Tony'd gotten what he'd wanted hadn't he? His side had won.

And here was Steve, cuffed and on the way to his trial, a criminal.

He wondered where it all went wrong.

Not just the war, but his relationship with Tony, how suddenly they had turned on each other. How their relationship fell so quickly from best friends to...

Enemies.

Well, he thought bitterly, he supposed he'd have a few years in prison to figure it out.

* * *

"Sir, I believe that you should watch the news."

"Not now J, I need to make this call."

"It's in regards to Captain Rogers—"

"I already said I didn't want any updates on the trial, didn't I?"

The television blinked to life despite Tony's dismissal.

"Jarvis, I told you I didn't want to—" Tony stopped as he read the headlines.

The phone clattered to the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, constructive criticism is very welcome :)


	4. ...I could be broken in so many ways

When he finished speaking, he sat there, tears falling down his face, helmet in his hands.

Honestly, he wasn't sure when it happened. When that line had been crossed.

Wasn't sure when what they'd shared that night, what they'd shared only a few months ago but felt light years away, had stopped being a buffer for all the _anger_ and _spite_ and _betrayal_ and had instead begun to fuel it.

Wasn't sure when he'd begun to think of the man that held the title of his best friend, beyond any other title, even lover (if a single night even amounted to that), as an enemy.

He wasn't sure when what they'd done to each other had been gone past the tipping point.

When it had all become inexcusable.

When suddenly only one of them could stand victorious and they were both willing to do anything to make sure that it was their side that succeeded.

He wasn't sure when.

There was a start. He could remember the start.

The start was filled with hopes that it would be over quickly. That it could all be reasoned out. That it wouldn't be as bad as he'd predicted.

The middle was the mess. Everything had gone too fast. People dead. His friends dead.

Losing support. Mistakes. Lost trust.

Something shifted in the middle.

Something that had led to...

...The end.

He choked back a sob.

The end was a nightmare. A nightmare disguised by victory.

A victory that no longer felt like a victory.

How could he win when…?

He got out of the chair, metal screeching in the cold room, rubbing away the streaks of tears on his face. He put his helmet back on.

His steps echoed on the hard tile as he left, the door quietly closing behind him.

Echoed as he left yet another cold body behind and a final whispered confession in his wake.

"It wasn't worth it."

**Author's Note:**

> Canonical Character Death: Steve Rogers
> 
> Other Points:
> 
> Steve does in fact, know that Tony knew of the SHRA and they both knew that they would be on opposite sides. However, this knowledge does nothing to fix the severity of the events that follow and the deterioration of their relationship right after Stamford and the declaration of Captain America as a fugitive.
> 
> Certain events, dialogue, etc. from the original comics have been tweaked (omission of parts, paraphrase, vague mention) in order to a) make the narrative more streamline b) eliminate interpretations that would contradict the narrative and c) create more of an impact within the narrative.
> 
> As always, constructive criticism is very welcome :)


End file.
